It feels good to be back I must admit I have been slacking on my blog but sometimes life forces you to reorganize your priorities. 2020 has been a hard year for us all but I know personally this has been the most trying year of my life.
In January my mom passed away after a long battle with lung cancer. She had been sick almost my entire life but nothing prepares you for the day she doesn’t pull through. The grace it takes to move forward after a loved one passes is nothing short of miraculous. I have an amazing family and work environment that supported me and continues to do so and I’ve never been so grateful in my life.
A few months later I went to a work conference in New Orleans and felt re inspired business wise. But we also started hearing about the corona virus it hadn’t quite hit the US yet but boy did it.
Seattle was one of the first places to report a case in the US our clinic closed for several weeks to get a grasp on the situation and set up safety procedures. As a heath facility we were listed as an essential business and allowed to stay open. Thank god.
Working from home which at the time was still at my sisters place with kids who were forced to stay home from school and had all the energy in the world …became a little overwhelming. After realizing that now that my mom had passed and my family was settling into life without her I needed to move on.
I made a list of everything I wanted in a new place and let it go. I went on to Craigslist saw a place that fit the description and went to see it 3 days later. It had a view of the water, was on the 2nd floor, was bright and in my favorite part of Everett. Even though the remodeling wasn’t done I paid first last and deposit on the way home. I decided to just go for it.
With help from my family and best friend I moved in a couple weeks later but didn’t feel the excitement that I expected I figured it was because it was more responsibility and I was tired. My best friend stayed the night and the next morning we woke up to bed bugs everywhere. It was horrifying I had never seen a bed bug in my life. I immediately called the landlord and explained the situation all while staying calm. Everything I owned was in my eyes now infested and there was no way I was taking it back to my sisters. The entire ordeal took about a month in and out of a hotel at least 6 treatments, a new mattress countless loads of laundry and a lot of sass from me. The landlord explained that the previous tenants had lived there for years and never mentioned it probably to try to avoid having to pay for the treatments and because of the remodel they had gone into hiding.
I am happy to report I haven’t seen one since and I recognize that something that would of stressed me out before 2020 and put me in a negative headspace was now something I could handle confidently. I guess that’s what trauma does I’ve already experienced the worst thing I can imagine and now everything else seems easier.
I turned 27 this year on June 27th my golden birthday and the first one without my mom. My sister and best friend from first grade Mary and I spent a weekend in Seattle at an Airbnb near Pike Place. I wanted to do something small since we were in the midst of a pandemic. It was exactly what I needed good friends, good company in one of my favorite places.
I made goals for myself for my golden year, one had been to move out on my own which happened a bit earlier but I still count it. Get my license, which I passed the test finally and get a car which I did it was gifted to me from my bosses family. I also wanted to focus on my health. Over the past year I noticed a growth on my thyroid every test came back that I was fine but it kept getting bigger. I had to advocate for myself and insist on surgery and that finally happened on September 9th a little over a week ago but my results are still pending they needed to be sent to a specialist which in the past would have kept me up at night and given me the worst anxiety but thank goodness for grace.
All of these events happened simultaneously with the largest civil rights movement in history. As a black woman in America these issues have been present, like a scab that never goes away. We see the news reports, the live streams, the R.I.P (insert name here) every week and mourn every week and have to overcome everyday. Suppress the fear and anger to appease the oppressor to maintain an image worthy of respect. To not feed into the idea that we’re angry black people that we’re negative or thugs. We have to pretend we don’t cry at night, bite our tongues in the workplace and carry on. When the current president is an advocate for the KKK and a domestic terrorist we have to hold civil discussions about why we’re scared and why voting matters but not just voting. Voting for the right candidate. Having to hear why can’t we just be nice to one another and I don’t see color. All while we see George Floyd call out for his mother and Brionna Taylor’s family get a payout instead of justice. That protestors are labeled “Antifa” which as an American you should be anti fascists because we are a democratic society and don’t advocate or support fascism and have historically condoned it. Y’all remember Hitler… he was a fascist. While the media criminalizes Black Lives Matter movements and blue lives matter bullshit comes into the mix. The ignorant notion “well don’t do anything wrong or if they listen to the police there’s no issue” all the while we see innocent people being murdered by police.
I don’t go on social media and get in arguments with strangers. I donate, I’ve protested, I’ve had hard conversations with the people in my life and most importantly I vote democratically in every election no matter how small. I represent my community and continue to improve my life so that my influence gradually becomes more significant. I protect my mental health so I can continue to live my life and help in the ways that work for me. I admire those that can completely dedicate themselves to the cause and will continue to support and defend them.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away this week and I can’t help but feel anxious. The Supreme Court has been one of the only blocks to Trumps plan for our country and he’s attempting to replace her before the election, a conservative majority means less resistance to the republican agenda. But if there’s one thing you have to have as a Black woman it’s perseverance and I have faith in my generation that we will not allow our country to become a nation of hatred towards our fellow Americans. But what a time to be alive. I am grateful for the struggles I’ve been through because they have made me strong enough to handle any issue that arises and I hope the same can come to you and anyone who needs it. One day we will look back and see that it was all worth it.
I want to know how your year is going? What are you doing for your mental health? How has 2020 shaped your perspective? I see and hear often that people think this is the worst year in history but sometimes things need to burn to the ground in order to make way for the new and if this year has done anything it has opened up people’s eyes and lift aflame the need for change and that’s what needed to happen.
I intend to blog more often mostly as a record for myself but also as a form of self care and to hopefully bring inspiration for ways in which you can care for yourself.
Thanks for reading,